The Hushers

Six year old Angie and her four year old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church," she hissed at Joel

. "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel shot back.

Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door?" Joel nodded.

"They're hushers."

Temperance Sermon

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." He sat down.

The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River.

Song about a Bear in Sunday School

A young boy attended his first Sunday School class and he was relating the events of the day to his mother. "We sang a song about a bear," he proudly said.
"You sang a song about a bear?" His mother asked.
"Yes," he piped up. "We sang a song about a bear that was cross-eyed."
His mother blinked. "You sang a song about a bear that was cross-eyed?" she asked, wondering what this had to do with Sunday School.
"Uh-huh. We sang a song about a bear that was cross-eyed and his name was Gladly," her son explained.
His mother pressed. "What do you mean?"
With a big smile, he said, "We sang 'Gladly, the Cross-eyed Bear.'"

Young Preacher Interviewing for a pastorate

An older preacher told the story of a young minister interviewing for his first pastorate.
 The Pulpit Committee had invited him to come over to their church for the interview. The committee chairman asked, "Son, do you know the Bible pretty good?" The young minister said, "Yes, pretty good." The chairman asked, "Which part do you know best?" He responded saying, "I know the New Testament best." "Which part of the New Testament do you know best," asked the chairman. The young minister said, "Several parts." The chairman said, "Well, why don't you tell us the story of the Prodigal Son." The young man said, "Fine."
"There was a man of the Pharisees name Nicodemus, who went down to Jericho by night and he fell upon stony ground and the thorns choked him half to death.
"The next morning Solomon and his wife, Gomorrah, came by, and carried him down to the ark for Moses to take care of. But, as he was going through the Eastern Gate into the Ark, he caught his hair in a limb and he hung there forty days and forty nights and he afterwards did hunger. And, the ravens came and fed him.
"The next day, the three wise men came and carried him down to the boat dock and he caught a ship to Ninevah. And when he got there he found Delilah sitting on the wall. He said, "Chunk her down, boys, chunk her down." And, they said, "How many times shall we chunk her down, till seven time seven?" And he said, "Nay, but seventy times seven." And they chucked her down four hundred and ninety times.
"And, she burst asunder in their midst. And they picked up twelve baskets of the leftovers. And, in the resurrection whose wife shall she be?"
The Committee chairman suddenly interrupted the young minister and said to the remainder of the committee, "Fellows, I think we ought to ask the church to call him as our minister.
He is awfully young, but he sure does know his Bible."

The Pastor and the Music Director

There was a church where the preacher and the minister of music were not getting along. As time went by this began to spill over into the worship service.
The first week the preacher preached on commitment and how we all should dedicate ourselves to the service of God. The music director lead the song "I Shall not be Moved."
The second week the preacher preached on tithing and how we all should gladly give to the work of the Lord. The director lead the song "Jesus Paid it All."
The third week the preacher preached on gossiping and how we should all watch our tongues. The music director led the song "I Love to Tell the Story."
With all this going on, the preacher became very disgusted over the situation and the following Sunday told the congregation that he was considering resigning. The musician lead the song "Oh Why Not Tonight?"
As it came to pass, the preacher did indeed resign. The next week he informed the church that it was Jesus who led him there and it was Jesus that was taking him away. The music leader lead the song "What a Friend We Have in Jesus."

A Pastoral Visit

A new pastor moved into town and went out on Saturday to visit his congregation. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times. Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20" and stuck it in the door.

The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was a notation "Genesis 3:10".

Revelation 3:20 reads: "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with me." Genesis 3:10 reads: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked."

The Poor Preacher

The Baptist preacher just finished his sermon for the day and proceeded toward the back of the church for his usual greetings and handshaking as the congregation left the church.
After shaking a few adult hands he came upon the seven year old son of one of the Deacons of the church.
"Good morning, Jonathan," the preacher said as he reached out to shake Joanthan's hand. As he was doing do he felt something in the palm of Jonathan's hand.
"What's this?" the preacher asked.
"Money," said Jonathan with a big smile on his face, "It's for you!"
"I don't want to take your money, Jonathan," the preacher answered.
"I want you to have it," said Jonathan.
After a short pause Jonathan continued, "My daddy says you're the poorest preacher we ever had and I want to help you."

Power of God's Word

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening service when she was startled by an intruder. As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled "Stop, Acts 2:38".
The burglar quickly turned around and pointed his gun at her when she yelled again "Stop, Acts 2:38".

Well this time the man stopped, dead in his tracks. The woman calmly called the Police and explained what she had done. As the Officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked him "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a Scripture to you."

"Scripture?" the burglar exclaimed, "I thought she said she had an AX and 2 38s."

The Priest's Collar

A priest was walking along the corridor of the parochial school near the preschool wing when a group of little ones were trotting by on the way to the cafeteria. One little lad of about three or four stopped and looked at him in his clerical clothes and asked, "Why do you dress funny?"
He told him he was a priest and this is the uniform priests wear. Then the boy pointed to the priest's plastic collar tab and asked, "Do you have an owie?"
The priest was perplexed till he realized that to him the collar tab looked like a band aid. So the priest took it out and handed it to the boy to show him. On the back of the tab are raised letters giving the name of the manufacturer.
The little guy felt the letters, and the priest asked, "Do you know what those words say?" "Yes I do," said the lad who was not old enough to read. Peering intently at the letters he said, "Kills ticks and fleas up to six months!"

Psalm 23 For Tech Heads

The Lord is my programmer, I shall not crash.
He installed His software on the hard disk of my heart.
All of His commands are user friendly.
His directory guides me to the right choices for His
name's sake. Even though I scroll through the problems
of life, I will fear no bugs, for He is my back-up.
His password protects me. He prepares a menu before
me in the presence of my enemies.
His help is only a keystroke away.
Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the
days of my life and my file will be merged with
His and saved forever.

Amen

The Real Pane

A young minister was filling in for Noman Vincent Peal at Marblegate Cathedral.
Ascending the pulpit he looked at the magnificent colored glass windows and told the congregation: "You know, these beautiful windows remind me of your pastor and his sermons. I'm afraid that I will be like that piece of cardboard in that broken window over there by comparison." After he had finished, (and he did a very good job), he said farewell to the people leaving.

One little old lady warmly shook his hand and gazing fondly up at him gushed: "Oh Pastor, you weren't just a piece of cardboard, you were a real pane!"