Happy New Year Around the World

AFRIKAANS	gelukkige nuwejaar / voorspoedige nuwejaar
AKPOSSO	ilufio ètussé
ALBANIAN	Gëzuar vitin e ri
ALSATIAN	e glëckliches nëies / güets nëies johr
ARABIC	عام سعيد (aam saiid) / sana saiida
ARMENIAN	shnorhavor nor tari
ATIKAMEKW	amokitanone
AZERI	yeni iliniz mubarek
BAMBARA	aw ni san'kura / bonne année
BASAA	mbuee
BASQUE	urte berri on
BELARUSIAN	З новым годам (Z novym hodam)
BENGALI	subho nababarsho
BERBER	asgwas amegas
BETI	mbembe mbu
BOBO	bonne année
BOSNIAN	sretna nova godina
BRETON	bloavezh mat / bloavez mad
BULGARIAN	честита нова година (chestita nova godina)
BURMESE	hnit thit ku mingalar pa
CANTONESE	sun lin fi lok / kung hé fat tsoi
CATALAN	bon any nou
CHINESE	xin nian kuai le / xin nian hao
CORSICAN	pace e salute
CROATIAN	sretna nova godina
CZECH	šťastný nový rok
DANISH	godt nytår
DARI	sale naw tabrik
DUALA	mbu mwa bwam
DUTCH	gelukkig nieuwjaar
ENGLISH	happy new year
ESPERANTO	feliĉan novan jaron
ESTONIAN	head uut aastat
EWE	eƒé bé dzogbenyui nami
EWONDO	mbembe mbu
FAROESE	gott nýggjár
FINNISH	onnellista uutta vuotta
FLEMISH	gelukkig nieuwjaar
FRENCH	bonne année
FRISIAN	lokkich neijier
FRIULAN	bon an
GALICIAN	feliz aninovo
GEORGIAN	გილოცავთ ახალ წელს (gilocavt akhal tsels)
GERMAN	ein gutes neues Jahr / prost Neujahr
GREEK	kali chronia / kali xronia eutichismenos o kainourgios chronos (we wish you a happy new year)
GUJARATI	sal mubarak / nootan varshabhinandan
GUARANÍ	rogüerohory año nuévo-re
HAITIAN CREOLE	bònn ané
HAOUSSA	barka da sabuwar shekara
HAWAIIAN	hauoli makahiki hou
HEBREW	שנה טובה (shana tova)
HERERO	ombura ombe ombua
HINDI	nav varsh ki subhkamna
HMONG	nyob zoo xyoo tshiab
HUNGARIAN	boldog új évet
ICELANDIC	gleðilegt nýtt ár
INDONESIAN	selamat tahun baru
IRISH GAELIC	ath bhliain faoi mhaise
ITALIAN	felice anno nuovo, buon anno
JAVANESE	sugeng warsa enggal
JAPANESE	akemashite omedetô
KABYLIAN	asseggas ameggaz
KANNADA	hosa varshada shubhaashayagalu
KASHMIRI	nav reh mubarakh
KAZAKH	zhana zhiliniz kutti bolsin
KHMER	sur sdei chhnam thmei
KIEMBU	ngethi cya mwaka mweru
KINYARWANDA	umwaka mwiza
KIRUNDI	umwaka mwiza
KOREAN	새해 복 많이 받으세요 (seh heh bok mani bat uh seyo)
KURDE	sala we ya nû pîroz be
LAO	sabai di pi mai
LATIN	felix sit annus novus
LATVIAN	laimīgu Jauno gadu
LIGURIAN	bón ànno nêuvo
LINGALA	bonana / mbula ya sika elamu na tonbeli yo
LITHUANIAN	laimingų Naujųjų Metų
LOW SAXON	gelükkig nyjaar
LUXEMBOURGEOIS	e gudd neit Joër
MACEDONIAN	Среќна Нова Година (srekna nova godina)
MALAGASY	arahaba tratry ny taona
MALAY	selamat tahun baru
MALAYALAM	nava varsha ashamshagal
MALTESE	is-sena t-tajba
MANGAREVAN	kia porotu te ano ou
MAORI	kia hari te tau hou
MARATHI	navin varshaachya hardik shubbheccha
MARQUISIAN	kaoha nui tenei ehua hou
MOHAWK	ose:rase
MONGOLIAN	Шинэ жилийн баярын мэнд хvргэе (shine jiliin bayariin mend hurgeye)
MORÉ	wênd na kô-d yuum-songo
NDEBELE	umyaka omucha omuhle
NGOMBALE	ngeu' shwi pong mbeo paghe
NORWEGIAN	godt nyttår
OCCITAN	bon annada
ORIYA	subha nababarsa / naba barsara hardika abhinandan
OURDOU	naya sar Mubarak
PAPIAMENTU	felis anja nobo
PASHTO	nawe kaalmo mobarak sha
PERSIAN	سال نو مبارک (sâle no mobârak)
POLISH	szczęśliwego nowego roku
PORTUGUESE	feliz ano novo
PUNJABI	ਨਵੇਂ ਸਾਲ ਦੀਆਂ ਵਧਾਈਆਂ (nave saal deeyan vadhaiyaan)
ROMANCHE	bun di bun onn
ROMANI	baxtalo nevo bersh
ROMANIAN	un an nou fericit / la mulţi ani
RUSSIAN	С Новым Годом (S novim godom)
SAMOAN	ia manuia le tausaga fou
SANGO	nzoni fini ngou
SARDINIAN	bonu annu nou
SCOTTISH GAELIC	bliadhna mhath ur
SERBIAN	srećna nova godina / Срећна нова година
SHIMAORE	mwaha mwema
SHONA	goredzva rakanaka
SINDHI	nain saal joon wadhayoon
SINHALESE	ශුභ අළුත් අවුරුද්දක් වේවා (shubha aluth awuruddak weiwa)
SLOVAK	šťastný nový rok
SLOVENIAN	srečno novo leto
SOBOTA	dobir leto
SOMALI	sanad wanagsan
SPANISH	feliz año nuevo
SRANAN	wan bun nyun yari
SWAHILI	mwaka mzuri / heri ya mwaka mpya
SWEDISH	gott nytt år
SWISS-GERMAN	es guets Nöis
TAGALOG	manigong bagong taon
TAHITIAN	ia orana i te matahiti api
TAMAZIGHT	assugas amegaz
TAMIL	iniya puthandu nalVazhthukkal
TATAR	yaña yıl belän
TELUGU	నూతన సంవత్శర శుభాకాంక్షలు (nuthana samvathsara subhakankshalu)
THAI	สวัสดีปีใหม่ (sawatdii pimaï)
TIBETAN	tashi delek / losar tashi delek
TIGRE	sanat farah wa khare
TSHILUBA	tshidimu tshilenga
TSWANA	itumelele ngwaga o mosha
TULU	posa varshada shubashaya
TURKISH	yeni yılınız kutlu olsun
TWENTS	gluk in'n tuk
UDMURT	Vyľ Aren
UKRAINIAN	Щасливого Нового Року / З Новим роком (Z novym rokom)
URDU	naya saal mubarik
UZBEK	yangi yilingiz qutlug' bo'lsin
VIETNAMESE	Chúc Mừng Nǎm Mới / Cung Chúc Tân Niên / Cung Chúc Tân Xuân
WALOON	ene boune anéye, ene boune sintéye
WALOON ("betchfessîs" spelling)	bone annéye / bone annéye èt bone santéye
WELSH	blwyddyn newydd dda
WEST INDIAN CREOLE	bon lanné
WOLOF	dewenati
XHOSA	nyak'omtsha
YIDDISH	a gut yohr
ZULU	unyaka omusha omuhle

New Year Text Msgs

May all ur troubles last as long as ur Nw Yr's resolutions!

Da object of a nw yr is not dat we should have a nw yr.
It is dat we should have a nw soul.

Drop da last yr in2 da silent limbo of da past.
Let it go, 4 it was imperfect, & thank God dat it can go.

New Year's Day Prayer for One and All

Dear Lord

So far this year I've done well.
I haven't gossiped, I haven't lost my temper, I haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or overindulgent. I'm very thankful for that.  But in a few minutes, Lord, I'm going to get out of bed, and from then on I'm probably going to need a lot more help.
Amen

New Year Resolutions you can Keep

10. Read less.

9. I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds.

8. Stop exercising. Waste of time.

7. Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.

6. Procrastinate more.

5. Drink. Drink some more.

4. Start being superstitious.

3. Spend more time at work.

2. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more. and last but not least...

1. Take up a new habit.. thats not good for you.

A New Year Prayer For the Elderly

God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones that I do,
And the eyesight to tell the difference.

Christmas in many Languages

Merry Christmas or the equivalent in a lot of languages around the world.

Afrikaans - een plesierige kerfees 

Arabic - I'D MIILAD SAID OUA SANA SAIDA

Argentine - Felices Pasquas Y felices ano Nuevo 

Armenian - Shenoraavor Nor Dari yev Pari Gaghand 

Azeri - Tezze Iliniz Yahsi Olsun 

Basque - Zorionak eta Urte Berri On!

Bangla - Shubo Boro Deen

Bohemian - Vesele Vanoce 

Brazilian - Boas Festas e Feliz Ano Novo 

Breton - Nedeleg laouen na bloavezh mat 

Bulgarian - Tchestita Koleda; Tchestito Rojdestvo Hristovo 

Chinese - (Mandarin) Kung His Hsin Nien bing Chu Shen Tan (Catonese) Gun Tso Sun Tan'Gung Haw Sun 

Cornish - Nadelik looan na looan blethen noweth 

Cree - Mitho Makosi Kesikansi

Croatian - Sretan Bozic 

Czech - Prejeme Vam Vesele Vanoce a stastny Novy Rok

Danish - Glædelig Jul 

Dutch - Vrolijk Kerstfeest en een Gelukkig Nieuwjaar! 

English - Merry Christmas

Esperanto - Gajan Kristnaskon

Estonian - Ruumsaid juulup|hi

Farsi - Cristmas-e-shoma mobarak bashad 

Finnish - Hyvaa joulua

French - Joyeux Noel

Frisian - Noflike Krystdagen en in protte Lok en Seine yn it Nije Jier!

German - Froehliche Weihnachten 

Greek - Kala Christouyenna!

Hawaiian - Mele Kalikimaka

Hebrew - Mo'adim Lesimkha. Chena tova 

Hindi - Shub Bara Din

Hungarian - Kellemes Karacsonyi unnepeket

Icelandic - Gledileg Jol

Indonesian - Selamat Hari Natal

Iraqi - Idah Saidan Wa Sanah Jadidah 

Irish - Nollaig Shona Dhuit

Italian - Buone Feste Natalizie

Japanese - Shinnen omedeto. 

Kurisumasu Omedeto

Korean - Sung Tan Chuk Ha 

Latvian - Prieci'gus Ziemsve'tkus un Laimi'gu Jauno Gadu! 

Lithuanian - Linksmu Kaledu Manx - Nollick ghennal as blein vie noa 

Maori - Meri Kirihimete

Marathi - Shub Naya Varsh 

Navajo - Merry Keshmish

Norwegian - God Jul

Papua New Guinea - Bikpela hamamas blong dispela Krismas na Nupela yia i go long yu.

Pennsylvania German - En frehlicher Grischtdaag un en hallich Nei Yaahr! 

Polish - Wesolych Swiat Bozego Narodzenia 

Portuguese - Boas Festas

Rapa-Nui - Mata-Ki-Te-Rangi. Te-Pito-O-Te-Henua

Rumanian - Sarbatori vesele

Russian - Pozdrevlyayu s prazdnikom Rozhdestva is Novim Godom 

Serbian - Hristos se rodi

Slovakian - Sretan Bozic or Vesele vianoce

Sami - Buorrit Juovllat

Samoan - La Maunia Le Kilisimasi Ma Le Tausaga Fou

Scots Gaelic - Nollaig chridheil huibh 

Serb-Croatian - Sretam Bozic. Vesela Nova Godina 

Singhalese - Subha nath thalak Vewa. Subha Aluth Awrudhak Vewa 

Slovak - Vesele Vianoce. A stastlivy Novy Rok Slovene - Vesele Bozicne. Screcno Novo Leto

Spanish - Feliz Navidad 

Swedish - God Jul and (Och) Ett Gott Nytt År 

Tagalog - Maligayamg Pasko. Masaganang Bagong Taon 

Tamil - Nathar Puthu Varuda Valthukkal

Thai - Sawadee Pee Mai 

Turkish - Noeliniz Ve Yeni Yiliniz Kutlu Olsun 

Ukrainian - Srozhdestvom Kristovym

Urdu - Naya Saal Mubarak Ho 

Vietnamese - Chung Mung Giang Sinh

Welsh - Nadolig LlawenYugoslavian - Cestitamo Bozic 

Why do we stay quiet in church?

A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they
were on the way to church service,
“And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?”
One bright little girl replied,
“Because people are sleeping.”

The Repentant Goose Thief

Confessor: I have stolen a fat goose from a poultry yard!
Priest: That is very wrong.
Confessor: Would you like to accept it, Father?
Priest: Certainly not- return it to the man whom you stole it from.
Confessor: But I have offered it to him and he won’t have it.
Priest: In that case you may keep it yourself.
Confessor: Thank you, Father.
The Priest arrived home to find one of his geese had been stolen…

Waiting till the last minute!

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.
“Reverend,” said the young man, “I’m so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip.”
The minister chuckled, “I know what you mean. It’s the same in my business.”

The Dollar Bill and the 20 Dollar Bill

There was this $20 dollar bill and a $1 dollar bill on the conveyor belt at the downtown Federal Reserve Building. As they were laying there side by side the $1 dollar bill said to the $20 dollar bill, "Hey mannnnnn, where have you been. I haven't seen you in a long time?" The $20 dollar bill replied, "Man I have been having a ball!! I've been traveling to distant countries, going to the finest restaurants, to the biggest and best casinos, numerous boutiques, the mall uptown, the mall downtown, the mall across town and even a mall that I just newly built. In fact, just this week I've been to Europe, a professional NBA game, Rodeo Drive, the all day retreat spa, the top-notch hair salon and the new casino!! I have done it all!!!"
After describing his great travels, the $20 dollar bill asked the $1dollar bill, "What about you? Where have you been?" The $1 dollar replied, "Well, I've been to the Baptist church, the Methodist church, the Presbyterian church, the Episcopalian church the Church of God in Christ, the Catholic church, the Mormon church, the church of the Latter Day Saints , the A.M.E. church, the Disciple of Christ church, the... "WAIT A MINUTE! WAIT A M I N U T E !!", shouted the $20 dollar bill to the $1 dollar bill. "What's a church??"

Free Haircuts

In a small town there was a Catholic priest, Jewish rabbi and Baptist minister.
One day the priest went to get a hair cut. After the barber cut his hair the priest wanted to pay him. The barber said, "Oh no, I will not accept any money from a man of God." So the next day when the barber went to open his shop he saw a loaf of bread with a thank you note.
That day the rabbi came for a hair cut. Again the barber said, "Oh no, I will not accept any money from a man of God." So the next day the barber went to open his shop and found a bottle of wine and a thank you note.
That day the Baptist minister came for his hair cut. Again the barber said, "Oh no, I will not accept any money from a man of God."
The next day when the barber went to open his shop he found 10 other Baptist ministers with a thank you note.

2 Ministers on a plane

A Baptist Minister and a Presbyterian Minister are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The Presbyterian leans over to the Baptist and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The Baptist just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The Presbyterian persists and explains that the game is real easy and a lot of fun. He explains “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don’t know the answer, I’ll pay you $5.”
Again, the Baptist politely declines and tries to get to sleep. The Presbyterian, now somewhat agitated, says, “Okay, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don’t know the answer, I’ll pay you $50!”
This catches the Baptist’s attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game. The Presbyterian asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?” The Baptist doesn’t say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the Presbyterian.
Now, it’s the Baptist’s turn. He asks the Presbyterian “What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?”
The Presbyterian looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his church— all to no avail. After about an hour, he wakes the Baptist and hands him $50. The Baptist politely takes the $50 and turns away to try to get back to sleep.
The Presbyterian, more than a little miffed, shakes the Baptist and asks “Well, so what’s the answer?”
Without a word, the Baptist reaches into his wallet, hands the Presbyterian $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.

The Poor Preacher

After the church service a little boy told the pastor, "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money."
"Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?"
"Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."

Pastors and Hot Air

My pastor friend put sanitary hot air hand dryers in the rest rooms at his church and after two weeks took them out. I asked him why and he confessed that they worked fine but when he went in there he saw a sign that read,

"For a sample of this week's sermon, push the button."

Forgiveness

A Sunday School teacher had just concluded her lesson and wanted to make sure she had made her point. She said, “Can anyone tell me what you must do before you can obtain forgiveness of sin?”
There was a short pause and then, from the back of the room, a small boy spoke up. "Sin," he said.

3 friends die and go to heaven

After dying in a car crash, three friends go to
Heaven for orientation. They are all asked the same
question: "When you are in your casket, and friends
and family are mourning over you, what would you like
to hear them say about you?"

The first one immediately responds, "I would like to
hear them say that I was one of the great doctors of
my time, and a great family man."

The second one says, "I would like to hear that I was
a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a
huge difference in the children of tomorrow."

The last one thinks a minute and replies, "I guess
I'd like to hear them say, 'Look, he's moving!"

If it was 3 wise women

You do know what would have happened if it had been three wise WOMEN instead of men, don't you?

They would have asked for directions,
arrived on time,
helped deliver the baby,
cleaned the stable,
made a casserole,
and brought disposable diapers as gifts!

The cleaning woman and church membership

There was a little old cleaning woman that went to the local church. When the invitation was given at
the end of the service, she went forward wanting to become a member. The pastor listened as she told
him how she had accepted Jesus and wanted to be baptized and become a member of the church.

The pastor thought to himself, "oh my, she is so unkempt, even smells a little, and her fingernails are
not clean. She picks up garbage, cleans toilets - what would the members think of her." He told her that
she needed to go home and pray about it and then decide.

The following week, here she came again. She told the pastor that she had prayed about it and still
wanted to be baptized. "I have passed this church for so long. It is so beautiful, and I truly want to
become a member."

Again the pastor told her to go home and pray some more. A few weeks later while out eating at the
restaurant, the pastor saw the little old lady. He did not want her to think that he was ignoring her so he
approached her and said, "I have not seen you for a while. Is everything all right?"

"Oh, yes," she said. "I talked with Jesus, and he told me not to worry about becoming a member of
your church."

"He did?" said the pastor.

"Oh, yes" she replied. "He said even He hasn't been able to get into your church yet, and He's been
trying for years."

Kids Show and Tell

A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment of bringing something to represent
their religion.

The first boy got in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is the
Star of David."

The second boy got in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary. I'm am Catholic and this is the
Crucifix."

The third boy got in front of the class and said, "My name is Tommy and I am Baptist and this is a casserole."

The Dead Church

A new Pastor in a small Oklahoma town spent the first four days making personal visits to each of the
members, inviting them to come to his first services.

The following Sunday the church was all but empty. Accordingly, the Pastor placed a notice in the local
newspapers, stating that, because the church was dead, it was everyone's duty to give it a decent
Christian burial. The funeral would be held the following Sunday afternoon, the notice said.

Morbidly curious, a large crowd turned out for the "funeral." In front of the pulpit, they saw a closed
coffin, smothered in flowers. After the Pastor delivered the eulogy, he opened the coffin and invited his
congregation to come forward and pay their final respects to their dead church.

Filled with curiosity as to what would represent the corpse of a "dead church," all the people eagerly
lined up to look in the coffin. Each "mourner" peeped into the coffin then quickly turned away with a
guilty, sheepish look.

In the coffin, tilted at the correct angle, was a large mirror.

Ask Jonah about the whale

A little girl spoke to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it is a very large mammal,
its throat is very small.
The little girl said, "But how can that be? Jonah was swallowed by a whale."
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human. "It is physically impossible!" she said.

Undaunted, the little girl said, "Well, when I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."

To this, the teacher said, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

"Then you can ask him"

The loudspeaker donation

The pastor happily told his congregation about the church's new public address system. He explained that the microphone and wiring were paid for with church funds. Then he added, "The loudspeaker was donated by a member of our congregation in memory of his wife."

Sleeping in Church

A man sobering up from the night before is sitting through the
Sunday sermon, finding it long and boring. Still feeling hung over and tired, he finally nods off.

The priest has been watching him all along, noticing his apparent
hangover and is disgusted. At the end of the sermon, the preacher decides to make an example of him.

He says to his congregation, "All those wishing to have a place in
heaven, please stand."

The whole room stands up except, of course, the sleeping man.

Then the preacher says even more loudly, "And he who would like to
find a place in hell please STAND UP!"

The weary man catching only the last part groggily stands up, only to find that he's the only one standing.

Confused and embarrassed he says, "I don't know what we're voting on here, Father, but it sure seems like you and me are the only ones standing for it!"

The lawyer who was a saint...

Two lawyers were siblings -- dishonest cheaters, as crooked as could be. They went to church only when circumstances required them to look good, or when there was a chance a dollar could be made.
When the less evil one died, the surviving sibling promised the church a sizable contribution if the eulogy for the deceased, would describe the departed as a saint.
The church needed money, and succeeded in acquiring the contribution without compromising any of its virtue. The eulogy accurately described the life and character of the deceased, identifying and listing the many sins committed. In conclusion, the speaker pointed at the bereaved surviving attorney saying, "but compared to him, the departed was a saint!"

Walking on water

One day a Pastor and a Brother took a Visitor fishing on boat.

Once in the Middle of the lake, the Pastor said" I seem to have forgotten my fishing pole, be right back" and to the visitors amazement stepped out of the boat and walked on top of the water towards the shore.

When he had returned, the Brother said
"I need to use the restroom, be right back"

Again the visitor watched in amazement. Once the Brother returned, not wanting to be outdone, the visitor said " I need to use the restroom too"

As soon as he stepped out of the boat, he sank.

The Pastor nudged the Brother and said "We should have told him where the rocks were"

Shirley Goodnest and Mercy

A mom was concerned about her kindergarten son walking to school. he didn't want her to walk with him, and she wanted to give him a feeling of independence. but she also wanted to know that he was safe.
When she expressed her concern to her neighbor, Shirley offered to follow him to school every morning for a while, staying at a distance so he wouldnt notice. Shirley said that since she was up early with her toddler anyways, it will be a good way for them to get some execcise.
All week long, Shirley and her daughter folloewd Timmy as he walked to school with another neighborhood girl.
As the two children walked and chatted, kickins stones and twigs, Timmy's friend said,'Have you noticed that lady following us to school all week? Do you know her?
Timmy replied, 'Yes, I know who she is. That's my mom's friend Shirley Goodnest and her litle girl Marcy'.
Shirley Goodnest? Why is she following us?
Well, Timmy explained, every night my mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm, it says, 'Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all days of my life. I guess I'll just have to get used to it.

Which Virgin.. OOPs Version

The little girl was sitting with her grandmother, who had presented her with her first little children's Bible, in an easy-to- read translation, when she was very young.
Now, a decade or so later, the old lady was ready to spend a few sweet moments handing down the big old Family Bible, in the time-honored King James Version, to her only grandchild. Understandably excited, the youngster was asking a number of questions, both about the family members whose births and deaths were recorded therein, and about various aspects of the Scriptures themselves.
Her grandmother was endeavoring to answer all the child's questions in terms she could understand; but the one that stopped her cold was this sincere inquiry:
"Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus? Was it the Virgin Mary, or the King James Virgin?"

Where is Jesus today?

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today ?"
Johnny raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."
And Robert, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Robert how he knew this.
And Robert said, "Well.....every morning my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!"