A priest's last wish!

An old Canadian priest lay dying. He sent a message for Income Tax Officer and his Lawyer to come to the hospital. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his room. As they entered the room, the priest held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The priest grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the IT Officer and the lawyer were touched and flattered that the old man would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled because the priest had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them. Finally, the Lawyer asked, " Father, why did you ask the two of us to come here? " The old priest mustered all his strength, and then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I'd like to go.

Confessional

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand." The new priest tries this. The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, "I see, yes, go on, and I understand. How did you feel about that?'"

The new priest says those things, trying them out. The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying 'Oh Boy! What happened next?'

The New Minister

The new minister was so nervous at his first mass, he could hardly speak. Before his second appearance in the pulpit, he asked the Monsignor how he could relax. The Monsignor said, "Next Sunday, it may help if you put a little vodka in the water pitcher. After a few sips, everything should go smoothly."

The next Sunday the new priest put the suggestion into practice and was able to talk up a storm. He felt great! However, upon returning to the rectory, he found a note from the Monsignor:

Dear Father,
1.Next time sip rather than gulp.
2.There are 10 commandments, not 12
3.There are 12 disciples, not 10
4.We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T"
5.The recommended grace before meals is not "Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub. Yeah God!"
6.We do not refer to Our Savior, Jesus and His disciples as "J.C. and the Boys"
7.David slew Goliath; he did not "kick the sh** out of him."
8.The Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost are never referred to as "Big Daddy, Junior, and the Spook." 9.It is always the Virgin Mary, never "Mary with the Cherry."
10.Last, but not least, next Wednesday there will be a Taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter-pulling contest at St.Taffy's.

Friars and Cannibals

Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender Missionary. I've baked them, I've roasted them, I've stewed them, I've barbecued them, I've tried every sort of marinade. I just cannot seem to get them tender." The second cannibal asks, "What kind of Missionary do you use?" The other replied, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and they're sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads."

"Ah, ha!" the second cannibal replies. "No wonder ... those are friars!"