Why do we stay quiet in church?

A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they
were on the way to church service,
“And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?”
One bright little girl replied,
“Because people are sleeping.”

The Poor Preacher

After the church service a little boy told the pastor, "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money."
"Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?"
"Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."

Forgiveness

A Sunday School teacher had just concluded her lesson and wanted to make sure she had made her point. She said, “Can anyone tell me what you must do before you can obtain forgiveness of sin?”
There was a short pause and then, from the back of the room, a small boy spoke up. "Sin," he said.

Kids Show and Tell

A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment of bringing something to represent
their religion.

The first boy got in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is the
Star of David."

The second boy got in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary. I'm am Catholic and this is the
Crucifix."

The third boy got in front of the class and said, "My name is Tommy and I am Baptist and this is a casserole."

Ask Jonah about the whale

A little girl spoke to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it is a very large mammal,
its throat is very small.
The little girl said, "But how can that be? Jonah was swallowed by a whale."
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human. "It is physically impossible!" she said.

Undaunted, the little girl said, "Well, when I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."

To this, the teacher said, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

"Then you can ask him"

Shirley Goodnest and Mercy

A mom was concerned about her kindergarten son walking to school. he didn't want her to walk with him, and she wanted to give him a feeling of independence. but she also wanted to know that he was safe.
When she expressed her concern to her neighbor, Shirley offered to follow him to school every morning for a while, staying at a distance so he wouldnt notice. Shirley said that since she was up early with her toddler anyways, it will be a good way for them to get some execcise.
All week long, Shirley and her daughter folloewd Timmy as he walked to school with another neighborhood girl.
As the two children walked and chatted, kickins stones and twigs, Timmy's friend said,'Have you noticed that lady following us to school all week? Do you know her?
Timmy replied, 'Yes, I know who she is. That's my mom's friend Shirley Goodnest and her litle girl Marcy'.
Shirley Goodnest? Why is she following us?
Well, Timmy explained, every night my mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm, it says, 'Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all days of my life. I guess I'll just have to get used to it.

Which Virgin.. OOPs Version

The little girl was sitting with her grandmother, who had presented her with her first little children's Bible, in an easy-to- read translation, when she was very young.
Now, a decade or so later, the old lady was ready to spend a few sweet moments handing down the big old Family Bible, in the time-honored King James Version, to her only grandchild. Understandably excited, the youngster was asking a number of questions, both about the family members whose births and deaths were recorded therein, and about various aspects of the Scriptures themselves.
Her grandmother was endeavoring to answer all the child's questions in terms she could understand; but the one that stopped her cold was this sincere inquiry:
"Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus? Was it the Virgin Mary, or the King James Virgin?"

Where is Jesus today?

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today ?"
Johnny raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."
And Robert, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Robert how he knew this.
And Robert said, "Well.....every morning my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!"

Wouldn't God Show Through?

A little girl, on the way home from church, turned to her mother and said, "Mommy, the preacher's sermon this morning confused me."
The mother said, "Oh! Why is that?" The girl replied, "Well, he said that God is bigger than we are. Is that true?"
"Yes, that's true," the mother replied. "He also said that God lives within us. Is that true, too?"
Again the mother replied, "Yes."
"Well," said the girl. "if God is bigger than us and He lives in us, wouldn't He show through?"

The Hushers

Six year old Angie and her four year old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church," she hissed at Joel
. "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel shot back. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door?" Joel nodded.
"They're hushers."

What Fell from the Bible ?

A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it closely. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.


"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered: "I think it's Adam's underwear!"

The Hushers

Six year old Angie and her four year old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church," she hissed at Joel

. "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel shot back.

Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door?" Joel nodded.

"They're hushers."

LET THERE BE PEACE

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment...then a new school year began. The very next afternoon, three young boys -- full of youthful after-school enthusiasm -- came down his street, beating merrily on every trashcan they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day until, finally, the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. Used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing." The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.

After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. "This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans." The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus.

A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street. "Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"

"A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, Mister. We quit!"

And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.

The Ring Bear

A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd alternating between the bride's side and the groom's side. While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws
and roar...so it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR, all the way down the aisle.

As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit. The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit.

When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said,
"I was being the Ring Bear!"

Gravy! Elijah vs The prophets of Baal

The sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces and laid it upon the altar. And then Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times.

"Now, said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?"

A little girl in the back of the room raised her hand with great enthusiasm. "To make the gravy," came her enthusiastic reply.

FOR THE SICK

During a service in the church, Jimmy told his father that he wants to throw up.
His father replied to Jimmy, "Go to bathroom, it is outside of the chapel." Then Jimmy went back faster than his father expected. His father asked, "Did you find the bathroom?"

Jimmy said, "No, daddy...but I did that whenever I saw a box right outside the chapel saying 'For The Sick'."

The Fatted Calf

Over at Fortitude Holiness Tabernacle, Dexter Rice, the Sunday School teacher, was telling his class the story of the Prodigal Son. Wishing to emphasize the resentful attitude of the elder brother, he laid stress on this part of the parable.

After describing the rejoicing of the household over the return of the wayward son, Dexter spoke of one who, in the midst of the festivities, failed to share in the jubilant spirit of the occasion. "Can anybody in the class," he asked, "tell me who this was?"

Nine year old Olivia Crombie had been listening sympathetically to the story. She waved her hand in the air. "I know!" she said beamingly. "It was the fatted calf."

Explain GOD

One of God's main jobs is making people. He makes them to replace the ones that die so there will be enough people to take care of things here on earth.

He doesn't make grown-ups, just babies. I think because they are smaller and easier to make. That way, He doesn't have to take up His valuable time teaching them to talk and walk, He can just leave that to mothers and fathers.

God's second most important job is listening to prayers. An awful lot of this goes on, since some people, like preachers and things, pray at times besides bedtime. God doesn't have time to listen to the radio or TV on account of this. Since He hears everything, not only prayers, there must be a terrible lot of noise in His ears, unless He has thought of a way to turn it off.

God sees everything and hears everything and is everywhere, which keeps Him pretty busy. So you shouldn't go wasting His time by going over your parent's head asking for something they said you couldn't have.

Atheists are people who don't believe in God. I don't think there are any in Chula Vista. At least there aren't any who come to our church.

Jesus is God's Son. He used to do all the hard work like walking on water and performing miracles and trying to teach the people who didn't want to learn about God. They finally got tired of Him preaching to them and they crucified Him. But He was good and kind like His Father and He told His Father that they didn't know what they were doing and to forgive them and God said OK.

His Dad (God) appreciated everything that He had done and all His hard work on earth so He told Him He didn't have to go out on the road anymore, He could stay in heaven. So He did. And now He helps His Dad out by listening to prayers and seeing things which are important for God to take care of and which ones He can take care of himself without having to bother God. Like a secretary, only more important, of course

You can pray anytime you want and they are sure to hear you because they got it worked out so one of them is on duty all the times.

You should always go to church on Sunday because it makes God happy, and if there's anybody you want to make happy, it's God. Don't skip church to do something you think will be more fun like going to the beach. This is wrong! And, besides, the sun doesn't come out at the beach until noon anyway.

If you don't believe in God, besides being an atheist, you will be very lonely, because your parents can't go everywhere with you, like to camp, but God can. It is good to know He's around you when you're scared in the dark or when you can't swim very good and you get thrown into real deep water by big kids. But you shouldn't just always think of what God can do for you.

I figure God put me here and He can take me back anytime He pleases. And that's why I believe in God."
--Written by Danny Dutton, age 8, from Chula Vista, California.