A Pastoral Visit

A new pastor moved into town and went out on Saturday to visit his congregation. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times. Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20" and stuck it in the door.

The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was a notation "Genesis 3:10".

Revelation 3:20 reads: "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with me." Genesis 3:10 reads: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked."

The Poor Preacher

The Baptist preacher just finished his sermon for the day and proceeded toward the back of the church for his usual greetings and handshaking as the congregation left the church.
After shaking a few adult hands he came upon the seven year old son of one of the Deacons of the church.
"Good morning, Jonathan," the preacher said as he reached out to shake Joanthan's hand. As he was doing do he felt something in the palm of Jonathan's hand.
"What's this?" the preacher asked.
"Money," said Jonathan with a big smile on his face, "It's for you!"
"I don't want to take your money, Jonathan," the preacher answered.
"I want you to have it," said Jonathan.
After a short pause Jonathan continued, "My daddy says you're the poorest preacher we ever had and I want to help you."

Power of God's Word

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening service when she was startled by an intruder. As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled "Stop, Acts 2:38".
The burglar quickly turned around and pointed his gun at her when she yelled again "Stop, Acts 2:38".

Well this time the man stopped, dead in his tracks. The woman calmly called the Police and explained what she had done. As the Officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked him "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a Scripture to you."

"Scripture?" the burglar exclaimed, "I thought she said she had an AX and 2 38s."

The Priest's Collar

A priest was walking along the corridor of the parochial school near the preschool wing when a group of little ones were trotting by on the way to the cafeteria. One little lad of about three or four stopped and looked at him in his clerical clothes and asked, "Why do you dress funny?"
He told him he was a priest and this is the uniform priests wear. Then the boy pointed to the priest's plastic collar tab and asked, "Do you have an owie?"
The priest was perplexed till he realized that to him the collar tab looked like a band aid. So the priest took it out and handed it to the boy to show him. On the back of the tab are raised letters giving the name of the manufacturer.
The little guy felt the letters, and the priest asked, "Do you know what those words say?" "Yes I do," said the lad who was not old enough to read. Peering intently at the letters he said, "Kills ticks and fleas up to six months!"

Psalm 23 For Tech Heads

The Lord is my programmer, I shall not crash.
He installed His software on the hard disk of my heart.
All of His commands are user friendly.
His directory guides me to the right choices for His
name's sake. Even though I scroll through the problems
of life, I will fear no bugs, for He is my back-up.
His password protects me. He prepares a menu before
me in the presence of my enemies.
His help is only a keystroke away.
Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the
days of my life and my file will be merged with
His and saved forever.

Amen

The Real Pane

A young minister was filling in for Noman Vincent Peal at Marblegate Cathedral.
Ascending the pulpit he looked at the magnificent colored glass windows and told the congregation: "You know, these beautiful windows remind me of your pastor and his sermons. I'm afraid that I will be like that piece of cardboard in that broken window over there by comparison." After he had finished, (and he did a very good job), he said farewell to the people leaving.

One little old lady warmly shook his hand and gazing fondly up at him gushed: "Oh Pastor, you weren't just a piece of cardboard, you were a real pane!"

The Lord's Prayer

Our Father Who Art In Heaven.  Yes?
Don't interrupt me. I'm praying.
But -- you called ME!
Called you?
No, I didn't call you.I'm praying.
Our Father who art in Heaven.
There -- you did it again!
Did what?
Called ME.
You said,"Our Father who art in Heaven"
Well, here I am..
What's on your mind?
But I didn't mean anything by it..
I was, you know, just saying my prayers for the day.
I always say the Lord's Prayer.
It makes me feel good, kind of like fulfilling a duty.
Well, all right. Go on.

Okay, Hallowed be thy name .
Hold it right there.
What do you mean by that?
By what?
By "Hallowed be thy name"?
It means, it means . . good grief,
I don't know what it means.
How in the world should I know?
It's just a part of the prayer.
By the way, what does it mean?
It means honored, holy, wonderful.
Hey, that makes sense..
I never thought about what 'hallowed' meant before.
Thanks.
Thy Kingdom come, Thy will be done, on earth as it is in Heaven.
Do you really mean that?
Sure, why not?
What are you doing about it?
Doing? Why, nothing, I guess.

I just think it would be kind of neat if you got control, of everything down here like you have up

there. We're kinda in a mess down here you know.
Yes, I know; but, have I got control of you?
Well, I go to church.
That isn't what I asked you.
What about your bad temper? You've really got a problem there, you know.
And then there's the way you spend your money -- all on yourself.
And what about the kind of books you read ?
Now hold on just a minute!
Stop picking on me!
I'm just as good as some of the rest of those People at church!
Excuse ME..
I thought you were praying for my will to be done.
If that is to happen, it will have to start with the ones who are praying for it.
Like you -- for example ..
Oh, all right. I guess I do have some hang-ups.
Now that you mention it, I could probably name some others.
So could I.
I haven't thought about it very much until now, but I really would like to cut out some of those things.
I would like to, you know, be really free.
Good. Now we're getting somewhere.

We'll work together -- You and ME.
I'm proud of You.
Look, God, if you don't mind, I need to finish up here.
This is taking a lot longer than it usually does.

Give us this day, our daily bread..
You need to cut out the bread.. You're overweight as it is.
Hey, wait a minute! What is this?
Here I was doing my religious duty, and all of a sudden you break in and remind me of all my hang-ups.
Praying is a dangerous thing. You just might get what you ask for.
Remember, you called ME -- and here I am. It's too late to stop now.
Keep praying. ( pause .. . )
Well, go on.
I'm scared to.
Scared? Of what?
I know what you'll say.
Try ME.

Forgive us our sins, as we forgive those who sin against us.
What about Daisy?
See? I knew it!
I knew you would bring her up!
Why, Lord, she's told lies about me, spread stories. She never paid back the money she owes me.
I've sworn to get even with her!
But -- your prayer --
What about your prayer?
I didn't -- mean it..
Well, at least you're honest.
But, it's quite a load carrying around all that bitterness and resentment isn't it?
Yes, but I'll feel better as soon as I get even with her. Boy, have I got some plans for her. She'll wish she had never been born.
No, you won't feel any better.
You'll feel worse.
Revenge isn't sweet.
You know how unhappy you are --
Well, I can change that.
You can? How?
Forgive Daisy.
Then, I'll forgive you;
And the hate and the sin, will be her problem -- not yours. You will have settled the problem
as far as you are concerned.
Oh, you know, you're right.
You always are.
And more than I want revenge,
I want to be right with You . . (sigh)..
All right, all right . .
I forgive her.
There now!
Wonderful!
How do you feel?
Hmmmm. Well, not bad.
Not bad at all!
In fact, I feel pretty great!
You know, I don't think I'll go to bed uptight tonight.
I haven't been getting much rest, you know.
Yeah, I know.
But, you're not through with your prayer, are you?

Go on.
Oh, all right.
And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.
Good! Good! I'll do that.
Just don't put yourself in a place where you can be tempted.
What do you mean by that?
You know what I mean.
Yeah. I know.
Okay.
Go ahead. Finish your prayer.
For Thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory forever.
Amen.
Do you know what would bring me glory -- What would really make me happy?
No, but I'd like to know..
I want to please you now.
I've really made a mess of things. I want to truly follow you..
I can see now how great that would be.
So, tell me . . .
How do I make you happy?
YOU just did.

Painting the Church

Two men were down on their luck and decided to paint houses to earn some extra money. To start their business they asked the priest of the local church if he would be interested in their service.
He agreed and the men went out to buy the paint. As they drove to the paint store they decided that they would mix half paint and half water to try to increase their profits.
When they finished the job they called the priest outside to look at their work. "It looks wonderful," said the priest. As he started to hand them the check a small rain cloud appeared. All at once there was lightning and thunder and the area around the church was drenched with rain. As the rain hit the ward building, the paint started running. Suddenly, as the three of them stood there in disbelief, a voice from heaven said ... "Repaint and thin no more."

Johnny plays Church

Johnny's Mother looked out the window and noticed Him "playing church"with their cat.
He had the cat sitting quietly and he was preaching to it. She smiled and went about her work.

A while later she heard loud meowing and hissing and ran back to the open window to see Johnny baptizing the cat in a tub of water.

She called out, "Johnny, stop that! The cat is afraid of water!"

Johnny looked up at her and said, "He should have thought about that before he joined
my church."

Old Man and His Dog Mace

An old man lived with his hound-dog, Mace, in a run-down shack on the outskirts of town. He had no family and only a few meager possessions: a table and chair, a bed, a bag of hand tools, and his dog. He used the tools to do odd jobs in town, for which he usually would be paid enough to get food for the next day. Mace and his master lived from one day to the next on what little these jobs would bring in. The dog was just a normal hound, with one exception: while most dogs like to chew on grass occasionally, Mace loved it. When the old man was in town, Mace would spend the day in the yard in front of the house, chewing away on the lawn.

One bright, sunny day the old man said goodbye to his dog and headed into town to work. He had a plumbing repair job in one of the homes there that would take him most of the day and would probably pay enough for food for the remainder of the week, if he managed the money carefully. He headed for town with a spring in his step and a whistle on his lips. Inside the house and ready to start, the old man reached in the bag for his wrench. To his surprise, he didn't feel it. He dug around again, but there didn't seem to be any wrench. He looked in the bag, then dumped its contents on the floor, but still no wrench. Reality set in. Without a wrench he couldn't finish the job, and without the pay he couldn't even buy food for that night's supper, let alone for tomorrow. When he finally came to grips with reality, he told the lady who hired him what the situation was. While she sympathized with his situation, the job needed to be done. If the old man couldn't do it, she would have to hire someone else.

The old man packed up his tools and headed home, head bowed and shoulders stooped. The whistle was gone and no longer was there a spring in his step. A walk that normally took 15 minutes seemed to last forever. But finally the old shack came into view, and there was Mace in the distance, munching away as usual on the lawn. When the dog saw his master, he came running, tail wagging, telling the old man how glad he was to see him. Kneeling beside the hound, the man began to pet him, and through tear-filled eyes told the dog that there would be no supper tonight and no food for tomorrow. What's more, without money to buy a new wrench, he had no idea what the future held.

It was the loneliest, most helpless feeling he ever had! Then he caught a glimpse of something shining in the grass. As the old man went over to see what this piece of shining material was, his despair turned in an instant to joy! It was the wrench! The old man had dropped it on his way out that morning, and it would have been lost forever had Mace not been eating farther away from the house than he usually did! The old man grabbed the dog, gave him a hug that almost suffocated him, and ran into the house. Reaching for a stub of pencil and the only piece of paper he had, he wrote a moving tribute to his canine companion. Few people have ever heard these words...until now, that is. One man who did happen to read them changed them a bit and has his name recorded in music history.

The old man never did get the credit he deserved. But now you are privileged to read the beginning line of his original poem, which went:

"A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound that saved a wrench for me."