Thanksgiving Humor

If April showers bring May flowers what do May flowers bring?
Pilgrims!

Asked to write a composition entitled, "What I'm thankful for on Thanksgiving,"
little Timothy wrote, "I am thankful that I'm not a turkey."

If a man wants to eat a turkey on Thanksgiving, what does a turkey want?
Ans- It simply wants to run away.

What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day?
Ans- God save the kin.

What did the turkey say to the man who tried to shoot it?
Ans- Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all.

LET THERE BE PEACE

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment...then a new school year began. The very next afternoon, three young boys -- full of youthful after-school enthusiasm -- came down his street, beating merrily on every trashcan they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day until, finally, the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. Used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing." The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.

After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. "This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans." The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus.

A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street. "Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"

"A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, Mister. We quit!"

And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.

The Ring Bear

A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd alternating between the bride's side and the groom's side. While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws
and roar...so it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR, all the way down the aisle.

As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit. The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit.

When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said,
"I was being the Ring Bear!"

Holding Hands in Church

Every Sunday the pastor would observe Sam Campbell and his wife Sara, holding hands. And they held hands all through the service. It made him happy to see two such
loving old folks.

One Sunday, greeting the congregation as they filed out the door, the pastor said to Sam and Sara, "It sure does my heart good to see two such loving people as you,
Mr. and Mrs. Campbell. It's quite an inspiration."

Sara looked up at him and grinned, saying, "That ain't love, Pastor. It's the only way I can keep him from cracking his knuckles during the service."

The Cow: An Essay

HE IS THE COW. The cow is a successful animal. Also he is 4 footed
and b’coz he is female, he gives milk.{ but will do so when he is got
child} He is same like god, sacred to Hindus and useful to man. But he
has got 4 legs together.

Two are forward and two are afterwards. His whole body can be utilized for use.
More so the milk. Milk comes from the 4 taps attached to his basement[
horses don’t have any such attachment what can it do?] Various
ghee,butter,cream curd and condensed milk and so forth. Also he is
useful to cobbler, watermans and mankind generally. His motion is slow
only because he is of lazy species. Also his other motion [gober] is
much useful to trees, plants as well as for making flat cakes [ like
pizza]in hand and drying in the sun.

Cow is the only animal that extricates his feeding after eating.Then
afterwards SHE chew with HIS teeth whom are situated in the inside of
the mouth.

Hypnotizing the Congregation

A local preacher was dissatisfied with the small amount in the collection plates each Sunday. Someone suggested to him that perhaps he might be able to hypnotize the congregation into giving more. "And just how would I go about doing that?" he asked.

"It is very simple. First you turn up the air conditioner so that the auditorium is warmer than usual. Then you preach in a monotone. Meanwhile, you dangle a watch on a chain and swing it in a slow arc above the lectern and suggest they put 20 dollars in the collection plate."
So the very next Sunday, the reverend did as suggested, and lo and behold the plates were full of 20 dollar bills.
Now, the preacher did not want to take advantage of this technique each and every Sunday. So therefore, he waited for a couple of weeks and then tried his mass hypnosis again. Just as the last of the congregation was becoming mesmerized, the chain on the watch broke and the watch hit the lectern with a loud thud and springs and parts flew everywhere.
"Crap!" exclaimed the pastor.

It took them a week to clean up the church.

Gravy! Elijah vs The prophets of Baal

The sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces and laid it upon the altar. And then Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times.

"Now, said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?"

A little girl in the back of the room raised her hand with great enthusiasm. "To make the gravy," came her enthusiastic reply.

Friars and Cannibals

Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender Missionary. I've baked them, I've roasted them, I've stewed them, I've barbecued them, I've tried every sort of marinade. I just cannot seem to get them tender." The second cannibal asks, "What kind of Missionary do you use?" The other replied, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and they're sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads."

"Ah, ha!" the second cannibal replies. "No wonder ... those are friars!"