The Old Bore

A tired pastor was at home resting, and through the window he saw a woman approaching his door. She was one of those too-talkative people, and he was not anxious to talk with her. He said to his wife, "I'll just duck upstairs and wait until she goes away."

An hour passed, then he tiptoed to the stair landing and listened ... not a sound. He was very pleased, so he started down calling loudly to his wife, "Well, My Dear, did you get rid of that old bore at last?"

The next moment he heard the voice of the same woman caller, and she couldn't possibly have missed hearing him. Two steps down, he saw them both staring up at him. It seemed truly a crisis moment.

The quick-thinking pastor's wife answered, "Yes, Dear, she went away over an hour ago. But Mrs. Jones has come to call in the meantime, and I'm sure you'll be glad to greet her."

Secret Sins

Three pastors went to the pastor convention and were all sharing one room. The first pastor said, "Let's confess our secret sins one to another. I'll start - my secret sin is I just love to gamble. When I go out of town, it's cha-ching cha-ching, let the machines ring."

The second pastor said, "My secret sin is that I just hate working. I copy all my sermons from those given by other pastors."

The third pastor said, "My secret sin is gossiping and, oh boy, I just can't wait to get out of this room!"

Waiting till the last minute!

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.
“Reverend,” said the young man, “I’m so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip.”
The minister chuckled, “I know what you mean. It’s the same in my business.”

2 Ministers on a plane

A Baptist Minister and a Presbyterian Minister are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The Presbyterian leans over to the Baptist and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The Baptist just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The Presbyterian persists and explains that the game is real easy and a lot of fun. He explains “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don’t know the answer, I’ll pay you $5.”
Again, the Baptist politely declines and tries to get to sleep. The Presbyterian, now somewhat agitated, says, “Okay, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don’t know the answer, I’ll pay you $50!”
This catches the Baptist’s attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game. The Presbyterian asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?” The Baptist doesn’t say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the Presbyterian.
Now, it’s the Baptist’s turn. He asks the Presbyterian “What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?”
The Presbyterian looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his church— all to no avail. After about an hour, he wakes the Baptist and hands him $50. The Baptist politely takes the $50 and turns away to try to get back to sleep.
The Presbyterian, more than a little miffed, shakes the Baptist and asks “Well, so what’s the answer?”
Without a word, the Baptist reaches into his wallet, hands the Presbyterian $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.

The Poor Preacher

After the church service a little boy told the pastor, "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money."
"Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?"
"Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."

Pastors and Hot Air

My pastor friend put sanitary hot air hand dryers in the rest rooms at his church and after two weeks took them out. I asked him why and he confessed that they worked fine but when he went in there he saw a sign that read,

"For a sample of this week's sermon, push the button."

The cleaning woman and church membership

There was a little old cleaning woman that went to the local church. When the invitation was given at
the end of the service, she went forward wanting to become a member. The pastor listened as she told
him how she had accepted Jesus and wanted to be baptized and become a member of the church.

The pastor thought to himself, "oh my, she is so unkempt, even smells a little, and her fingernails are
not clean. She picks up garbage, cleans toilets - what would the members think of her." He told her that
she needed to go home and pray about it and then decide.

The following week, here she came again. She told the pastor that she had prayed about it and still
wanted to be baptized. "I have passed this church for so long. It is so beautiful, and I truly want to
become a member."

Again the pastor told her to go home and pray some more. A few weeks later while out eating at the
restaurant, the pastor saw the little old lady. He did not want her to think that he was ignoring her so he
approached her and said, "I have not seen you for a while. Is everything all right?"

"Oh, yes," she said. "I talked with Jesus, and he told me not to worry about becoming a member of
your church."

"He did?" said the pastor.

"Oh, yes" she replied. "He said even He hasn't been able to get into your church yet, and He's been
trying for years."

The Dead Church

A new Pastor in a small Oklahoma town spent the first four days making personal visits to each of the
members, inviting them to come to his first services.

The following Sunday the church was all but empty. Accordingly, the Pastor placed a notice in the local
newspapers, stating that, because the church was dead, it was everyone's duty to give it a decent
Christian burial. The funeral would be held the following Sunday afternoon, the notice said.

Morbidly curious, a large crowd turned out for the "funeral." In front of the pulpit, they saw a closed
coffin, smothered in flowers. After the Pastor delivered the eulogy, he opened the coffin and invited his
congregation to come forward and pay their final respects to their dead church.

Filled with curiosity as to what would represent the corpse of a "dead church," all the people eagerly
lined up to look in the coffin. Each "mourner" peeped into the coffin then quickly turned away with a
guilty, sheepish look.

In the coffin, tilted at the correct angle, was a large mirror.

Sleeping in Church

A man sobering up from the night before is sitting through the
Sunday sermon, finding it long and boring. Still feeling hung over and tired, he finally nods off.

The priest has been watching him all along, noticing his apparent
hangover and is disgusted. At the end of the sermon, the preacher decides to make an example of him.

He says to his congregation, "All those wishing to have a place in
heaven, please stand."

The whole room stands up except, of course, the sleeping man.

Then the preacher says even more loudly, "And he who would like to
find a place in hell please STAND UP!"

The weary man catching only the last part groggily stands up, only to find that he's the only one standing.

Confused and embarrassed he says, "I don't know what we're voting on here, Father, but it sure seems like you and me are the only ones standing for it!"

The lawyer who was a saint...

Two lawyers were siblings -- dishonest cheaters, as crooked as could be. They went to church only when circumstances required them to look good, or when there was a chance a dollar could be made.
When the less evil one died, the surviving sibling promised the church a sizable contribution if the eulogy for the deceased, would describe the departed as a saint.
The church needed money, and succeeded in acquiring the contribution without compromising any of its virtue. The eulogy accurately described the life and character of the deceased, identifying and listing the many sins committed. In conclusion, the speaker pointed at the bereaved surviving attorney saying, "but compared to him, the departed was a saint!"

Walking on water

One day a Pastor and a Brother took a Visitor fishing on boat.

Once in the Middle of the lake, the Pastor said" I seem to have forgotten my fishing pole, be right back" and to the visitors amazement stepped out of the boat and walked on top of the water towards the shore.

When he had returned, the Brother said
"I need to use the restroom, be right back"

Again the visitor watched in amazement. Once the Brother returned, not wanting to be outdone, the visitor said " I need to use the restroom too"

As soon as he stepped out of the boat, he sank.

The Pastor nudged the Brother and said "We should have told him where the rocks were"

The Visiting Preacher

The visiting preacher was really getting the congregation moving. Near the end of his sermon he said this church has really got to walk to which someone in the back yelled, "let her walk preacher"

The preacher then said if this church is going to go it's got to get up and run to which someone again yelled with gusto, "let her run preacher."

Feeling the surge of the church, the preacher then said with even louder gusto, "if this church is going to go it's got to really fly" and once again with ever greater gusto, someone yelled, "let her fly preacher, let her fly."

The preacher then seized the moment and stated with even greater gusto, "if this church is really going to fly it's going to need money" to which someone in the back yelled, "let her walk preacher, let her walk."

Young Preacher Interviewing for a pastorate

An older preacher told the story of a young minister interviewing for his first pastorate.
 The Pulpit Committee had invited him to come over to their church for the interview. The committee chairman asked, "Son, do you know the Bible pretty good?" The young minister said, "Yes, pretty good." The chairman asked, "Which part do you know best?" He responded saying, "I know the New Testament best." "Which part of the New Testament do you know best," asked the chairman. The young minister said, "Several parts." The chairman said, "Well, why don't you tell us the story of the Prodigal Son." The young man said, "Fine."
"There was a man of the Pharisees name Nicodemus, who went down to Jericho by night and he fell upon stony ground and the thorns choked him half to death.
"The next morning Solomon and his wife, Gomorrah, came by, and carried him down to the ark for Moses to take care of. But, as he was going through the Eastern Gate into the Ark, he caught his hair in a limb and he hung there forty days and forty nights and he afterwards did hunger. And, the ravens came and fed him.
"The next day, the three wise men came and carried him down to the boat dock and he caught a ship to Ninevah. And when he got there he found Delilah sitting on the wall. He said, "Chunk her down, boys, chunk her down." And, they said, "How many times shall we chunk her down, till seven time seven?" And he said, "Nay, but seventy times seven." And they chucked her down four hundred and ninety times.
"And, she burst asunder in their midst. And they picked up twelve baskets of the leftovers. And, in the resurrection whose wife shall she be?"
The Committee chairman suddenly interrupted the young minister and said to the remainder of the committee, "Fellows, I think we ought to ask the church to call him as our minister.
He is awfully young, but he sure does know his Bible."

The Pastor and the Music Director

There was a church where the preacher and the minister of music were not getting along. As time went by this began to spill over into the worship service.
The first week the preacher preached on commitment and how we all should dedicate ourselves to the service of God. The music director lead the song "I Shall not be Moved."
The second week the preacher preached on tithing and how we all should gladly give to the work of the Lord. The director lead the song "Jesus Paid it All."
The third week the preacher preached on gossiping and how we should all watch our tongues. The music director led the song "I Love to Tell the Story."
With all this going on, the preacher became very disgusted over the situation and the following Sunday told the congregation that he was considering resigning. The musician lead the song "Oh Why Not Tonight?"
As it came to pass, the preacher did indeed resign. The next week he informed the church that it was Jesus who led him there and it was Jesus that was taking him away. The music leader lead the song "What a Friend We Have in Jesus."

A Pastoral Visit

A new pastor moved into town and went out on Saturday to visit his congregation. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times. Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20" and stuck it in the door.

The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was a notation "Genesis 3:10".

Revelation 3:20 reads: "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with me." Genesis 3:10 reads: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked."

The New Minister

The new minister was so nervous at his first mass, he could hardly speak. Before his second appearance in the pulpit, he asked the Monsignor how he could relax. The Monsignor said, "Next Sunday, it may help if you put a little vodka in the water pitcher. After a few sips, everything should go smoothly."

The next Sunday the new priest put the suggestion into practice and was able to talk up a storm. He felt great! However, upon returning to the rectory, he found a note from the Monsignor:

Dear Father,
1.Next time sip rather than gulp.
2.There are 10 commandments, not 12
3.There are 12 disciples, not 10
4.We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T"
5.The recommended grace before meals is not "Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub. Yeah God!"
6.We do not refer to Our Savior, Jesus and His disciples as "J.C. and the Boys"
7.David slew Goliath; he did not "kick the sh** out of him."
8.The Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost are never referred to as "Big Daddy, Junior, and the Spook." 9.It is always the Virgin Mary, never "Mary with the Cherry."
10.Last, but not least, next Wednesday there will be a Taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter-pulling contest at St.Taffy's.