Report from Nazareth Secondary School

Ever wondered what it was like for Jesus at Nazareth High?

Nazareth Secondary School Term Report 

Student: J. CHRIST Grade: 11 Term: 1

SUBJECT	GRADE	TEACHER'S COMMENT
Religion	D	To the question "Who made the world?" persisted in answering 'My dad'. Claims bible originated from the same source.
English	D+	Tends to speak and write in archaic forms and uses outmoded figures of speech.
History	A	Excellent pupil of ancient and Religious History.
Geography	C-	Assignment on 'Hot, dry lands' was excellent, but shows little interest in the rest. In geology, keeps talking about the Rock of Ages instead of the ages of Rock.
Social Studies	B+	Shows keen interest in social issues
Mathematics	F	Lacks basics. Keeps muttering about 'Three in one' and 'I and the father are one'.
General Science	D	Lacks discipline - e.g., when asked to repeat the experiment for making hydrogen, claimed he knew a better way.
Graphic Communication	D	Prefers to draw with a stick in the sand to pencil and paper.
Consumer Education	C+	Interesting ideas about alternative life style: Something about living like sparrows and lilies of the fields...too impractical.
Art/Craft	B	Obviously has imagination and creativity, a good potter - likes working with dirt and water.
Material Studies	A	Excellent in woodwork section. Obviously receives help and stimulation at home.
Music/Drama	B+	A keen member of the school choir. On occasions can be frighteningly dramatic.
Community	A	Keenly interested in all aspects of Living community.
Physical Education	D-	A trouble maker - e.g. during the learn-to-swim campaign insisted on trying to walk across the pool.
Health Classes	A	Shows a remarkable aptitude for first aid and knowledge of the body.

CLASS TEACHER'S COMMENT: 

This boy has a very unhealthy tendency to form gangs.
He has organized twelve of his friends into a gang and is seen constantly in the company of the children of publicans and sinners.
He needs to be more selective in his choice of friends.
Also, he should learn to keep his hair at a tidy length and not wear sandals with the school uniform.

Hurricane Aid

My appointment as the new pastor coincided with the church's appeal for aid for victims of a hurricane.
Unfortunately, on my first Sunday in the parish, the center page of the church bulletin was accidentally omitted. So members of the congregation read from the bottom of the second page to the top of the last page:
"Welcome to the Rev. Andrew Jensen and his family ... the worst disaster to hit the area in this century. The full extent of the tragedy is not yet known."

Adam's Underwear

A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it closely. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered: "I think it's Adam's underwear!"

The Visiting Preacher

The visiting preacher was really getting the congregation moving. Near the end of his sermon he said this church has really got to walk to which someone in the back yelled, "let her walk preacher"

The preacher then said if this church is going to go it's got to get up and run to which someone again yelled with gusto, "let her run preacher."

Feeling the surge of the church, the preacher then said with even louder gusto, "if this church is going to go it's got to really fly" and once again with ever greater gusto, someone yelled, "let her fly preacher, let her fly."

The preacher then seized the moment and stated with even greater gusto, "if this church is really going to fly it's going to need money" to which someone in the back yelled, "let her walk preacher, let her walk."

The Witnessing Barber

There was a barber that thought that he should share his faith with his customers more than he had been doing lately. So the next morning when the sun came up and the barber got up out of bed he said, "Today I am going to witness to the first man that walks through my door." Soon after he opened his shop the first man came in and said, "I want a shave!" The barber said, "Sure, just sit in the seat and I'll be with you in a moment." The barber went in the back and prayed a quick desperate prayer saying, "God, the first customer came in and I'm going to witness to him. So please give me the wisdom to know just the right thing to say to him. Amen." Then quickly the barber came out with his razor knife in one hand and a Bible in the other while saying "Good morning sir. I have a question for you..........Are you ready to die?"

The Hushers

Six year old Angie and her four year old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church," she hissed at Joel
. "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel shot back. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door?" Joel nodded.
"They're hushers."

What Fell from the Bible ?

A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it closely. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.


"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered: "I think it's Adam's underwear!"

The Visiting Preacher

The visiting preacher was really getting the congregation moving. Near the end of his sermon he said this church has really got to walk to which someone in the back yelled, "let her walk preacher"

The preacher then said if this church is going to go it's got to get up and run to which someone again yelled with gusto, "let her run preacher."

Feeling the surge of the church, the preacher then said with even louder gusto, "if this church is going to go it's got to really fly" and once again with ever greater gusto, someone yelled, "let her fly preacher, let her fly."

The preacher then seized the moment and stated with even greater gusto, "if this church is really going to fly it's going to need money" to which someone in the back yelled, "let her walk preacher, let her walk."

Adam and Eve Short Jokes

Adam and Eve lived a thousand years B.C. ( before clothing)

Who was the fastest runner in the world?
Adam, he was the first in the human race.

At what time of day was Adam born?
A little before Eve.

Why was Adam's first day the longest?
Because it had no Eve.

Theme Songs For Bibical Characters

Noah: "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head"
Adam and Eve: "Strangers in Paradise"
Lazarus: "The Second Time Around"
Esther: "I Feel Pretty"
Job: "I"ve Got a Right to Sing the Blues"
Moses: "The Happy Wanderer"
Jezebel: "The Lady is a Tramp"
Samson: "Hair"
Salome: "I Could Have Danced All Night"
Daniel: "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"
Joshua: "Good Vibrations"
Peter: "I'm Sorry"
Esau: "Born To Be Wild"
Jeremiah: "Take This Job and Shove It"
Shadrach, Mesach, and Abednego: "Great Balls of Fire!"
The Three Kings: "When You Wish Upon a Star"
Jonah: "Got a Whale of a Tale"
Elijah: "Up, Up, and Away"
Methuselah: "Stayin' Alive"
Moses: "There's a Place For Us"
Nebuchadnezzar: "Crazy"
from "He's Gonna Toot and I'm Gonna Scoot", by Barbara Johnson