The lawyer who was a saint...

Two lawyers were siblings -- dishonest cheaters, as crooked as could be. They went to church only when circumstances required them to look good, or when there was a chance a dollar could be made.
When the less evil one died, the surviving sibling promised the church a sizable contribution if the eulogy for the deceased, would describe the departed as a saint.
The church needed money, and succeeded in acquiring the contribution without compromising any of its virtue. The eulogy accurately described the life and character of the deceased, identifying and listing the many sins committed. In conclusion, the speaker pointed at the bereaved surviving attorney saying, "but compared to him, the departed was a saint!"

Walking on water

One day a Pastor and a Brother took a Visitor fishing on boat.

Once in the Middle of the lake, the Pastor said" I seem to have forgotten my fishing pole, be right back" and to the visitors amazement stepped out of the boat and walked on top of the water towards the shore.

When he had returned, the Brother said
"I need to use the restroom, be right back"

Again the visitor watched in amazement. Once the Brother returned, not wanting to be outdone, the visitor said " I need to use the restroom too"

As soon as he stepped out of the boat, he sank.

The Pastor nudged the Brother and said "We should have told him where the rocks were"

Shirley Goodnest and Mercy

A mom was concerned about her kindergarten son walking to school. he didn't want her to walk with him, and she wanted to give him a feeling of independence. but she also wanted to know that he was safe.
When she expressed her concern to her neighbor, Shirley offered to follow him to school every morning for a while, staying at a distance so he wouldnt notice. Shirley said that since she was up early with her toddler anyways, it will be a good way for them to get some execcise.
All week long, Shirley and her daughter folloewd Timmy as he walked to school with another neighborhood girl.
As the two children walked and chatted, kickins stones and twigs, Timmy's friend said,'Have you noticed that lady following us to school all week? Do you know her?
Timmy replied, 'Yes, I know who she is. That's my mom's friend Shirley Goodnest and her litle girl Marcy'.
Shirley Goodnest? Why is she following us?
Well, Timmy explained, every night my mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm, it says, 'Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all days of my life. I guess I'll just have to get used to it.

Which Virgin.. OOPs Version

The little girl was sitting with her grandmother, who had presented her with her first little children's Bible, in an easy-to- read translation, when she was very young.
Now, a decade or so later, the old lady was ready to spend a few sweet moments handing down the big old Family Bible, in the time-honored King James Version, to her only grandchild. Understandably excited, the youngster was asking a number of questions, both about the family members whose births and deaths were recorded therein, and about various aspects of the Scriptures themselves.
Her grandmother was endeavoring to answer all the child's questions in terms she could understand; but the one that stopped her cold was this sincere inquiry:
"Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus? Was it the Virgin Mary, or the King James Virgin?"

Where is Jesus today?

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today ?"
Johnny raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."
And Robert, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Robert how he knew this.
And Robert said, "Well.....every morning my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!"

Wouldn't God Show Through?

A little girl, on the way home from church, turned to her mother and said, "Mommy, the preacher's sermon this morning confused me."
The mother said, "Oh! Why is that?" The girl replied, "Well, he said that God is bigger than we are. Is that true?"
"Yes, that's true," the mother replied. "He also said that God lives within us. Is that true, too?"
Again the mother replied, "Yes."
"Well," said the girl. "if God is bigger than us and He lives in us, wouldn't He show through?"

Report from Nazareth Secondary School

Ever wondered what it was like for Jesus at Nazareth High?

Nazareth Secondary School Term Report 

Student: J. CHRIST Grade: 11 Term: 1

SUBJECT	GRADE	TEACHER'S COMMENT
Religion	D	To the question "Who made the world?" persisted in answering 'My dad'. Claims bible originated from the same source.
English	D+	Tends to speak and write in archaic forms and uses outmoded figures of speech.
History	A	Excellent pupil of ancient and Religious History.
Geography	C-	Assignment on 'Hot, dry lands' was excellent, but shows little interest in the rest. In geology, keeps talking about the Rock of Ages instead of the ages of Rock.
Social Studies	B+	Shows keen interest in social issues
Mathematics	F	Lacks basics. Keeps muttering about 'Three in one' and 'I and the father are one'.
General Science	D	Lacks discipline - e.g., when asked to repeat the experiment for making hydrogen, claimed he knew a better way.
Graphic Communication	D	Prefers to draw with a stick in the sand to pencil and paper.
Consumer Education	C+	Interesting ideas about alternative life style: Something about living like sparrows and lilies of the fields...too impractical.
Art/Craft	B	Obviously has imagination and creativity, a good potter - likes working with dirt and water.
Material Studies	A	Excellent in woodwork section. Obviously receives help and stimulation at home.
Music/Drama	B+	A keen member of the school choir. On occasions can be frighteningly dramatic.
Community	A	Keenly interested in all aspects of Living community.
Physical Education	D-	A trouble maker - e.g. during the learn-to-swim campaign insisted on trying to walk across the pool.
Health Classes	A	Shows a remarkable aptitude for first aid and knowledge of the body.

CLASS TEACHER'S COMMENT: 

This boy has a very unhealthy tendency to form gangs.
He has organized twelve of his friends into a gang and is seen constantly in the company of the children of publicans and sinners.
He needs to be more selective in his choice of friends.
Also, he should learn to keep his hair at a tidy length and not wear sandals with the school uniform.

Hurricane Aid

My appointment as the new pastor coincided with the church's appeal for aid for victims of a hurricane.
Unfortunately, on my first Sunday in the parish, the center page of the church bulletin was accidentally omitted. So members of the congregation read from the bottom of the second page to the top of the last page:
"Welcome to the Rev. Andrew Jensen and his family ... the worst disaster to hit the area in this century. The full extent of the tragedy is not yet known."

Adam's Underwear

A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it closely. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered: "I think it's Adam's underwear!"

The Visiting Preacher

The visiting preacher was really getting the congregation moving. Near the end of his sermon he said this church has really got to walk to which someone in the back yelled, "let her walk preacher"

The preacher then said if this church is going to go it's got to get up and run to which someone again yelled with gusto, "let her run preacher."

Feeling the surge of the church, the preacher then said with even louder gusto, "if this church is going to go it's got to really fly" and once again with ever greater gusto, someone yelled, "let her fly preacher, let her fly."

The preacher then seized the moment and stated with even greater gusto, "if this church is really going to fly it's going to need money" to which someone in the back yelled, "let her walk preacher, let her walk."