Two men were down on their luck and decided to paint houses to earn some extra money. To start their business they asked the priest of the local church if he would be interested in their service.
He agreed and the men went out to buy the paint. As they drove to the paint store they decided that they would mix half paint and half water to try to increase their profits.
When they finished the job they called the priest outside to look at their work. "It looks wonderful," said the priest. As he started to hand them the check a small rain cloud appeared. All at once there was lightning and thunder and the area around the church was drenched with rain. As the rain hit the ward building, the paint started running. Suddenly, as the three of them stood there in disbelief, a voice from heaven said ...
"Repaint and thin no more."
The WC story and more is a site with clean christian humor for the whole family.
Dec 16, 2009
Dec 10, 2009
NUNS DRIVING
A police officer was sitting beside the road when he saw a car going by at a slow rate of speed. All of the other cars were passing and blowing the horns. The police officer desided to pull the car over and give them a warning. When he got up to the car car he followed it for a short ways and clocked it doing 40 mph.
Since the speed limit was 70 he felt that they needed to speed up so he pulled them over to talk to them. After they pulled of the side and he was walking up to the car he noticed the car had 5 nuns in it and the youngest appeared to be driving and she looked to be in her 70's. As he came up to thr car he asked if there was anything wrong.
NUN: No officer why?
OFFICER: I noticed you were going slow and I thought that something might be wrong.
NUN: Young man I know that I don't have much experence driving in the job I do but I was doing the speed limit, 40 mph.
OFFICER: Mam that was the route number not the speed limit.
NUN: Oh I am very sorry I thought that those signs were the speed limit signs.
The officer looked in the car and noticed the other 4 nun's were shaking like leaves. The officer asked if the other nun's were ok. The driver said that they would be that she had just come off of route 119 a couple of miles back.
Dec 8, 2009
Confessional
The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.
The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand." The new priest tries this. The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, "I see, yes, go on, and I understand. How did you feel about that?'"
The new priest says those things, trying them out. The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying 'Oh Boy! What happened next?'
The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand." The new priest tries this. The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, "I see, yes, go on, and I understand. How did you feel about that?'"
The new priest says those things, trying them out. The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying 'Oh Boy! What happened next?'
Dec 7, 2009
Priest: Now we run!
A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.
After watching the boys efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring.
Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?" To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"
After watching the boys efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring.
Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?" To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"
Dec 6, 2009
Noah's Wife
A preacher, ending his sermon, announced that he would preach on Noah and his Ark on the following Sunday and gave the scriptural reference for the congregation to read ahead of time.
A couple of mean boys noticed something interesting about the placement of the story of the Flood in the Bible. They slipped into the church and glued two pages of the pulpit Bible together.
On the next Sunday, the preacher got up to read his text. "Noah took unto himself a wife," he began, "and she was" - he turned the page to continue - "three hundred cubits long, fifty wide and thirty high."
He paused, scratched his head, turned the page back and read it silently, turned the page.
Then he looked up at his congregation and said, "I've been reading this old Bible for nigh on to fifty years, but there are some things in it that are hard to believe."
A couple of mean boys noticed something interesting about the placement of the story of the Flood in the Bible. They slipped into the church and glued two pages of the pulpit Bible together.
On the next Sunday, the preacher got up to read his text. "Noah took unto himself a wife," he began, "and she was" - he turned the page to continue - "three hundred cubits long, fifty wide and thirty high."
He paused, scratched his head, turned the page back and read it silently, turned the page.
Then he looked up at his congregation and said, "I've been reading this old Bible for nigh on to fifty years, but there are some things in it that are hard to believe."
Dec 5, 2009
The New Minister
The new minister was so nervous at his first mass, he could hardly speak. Before his second appearance in the pulpit, he asked the Monsignor how he could relax. The Monsignor said, "Next Sunday, it may help if you put a little vodka in the water pitcher. After a few sips, everything should go smoothly."
The next Sunday the new priest put the suggestion into practice and was able to talk up a storm. He felt great! However, upon returning to the rectory, he found a note from the Monsignor:
Dear Father,
1.Next time sip rather than gulp.
2.There are 10 commandments, not 12
3.There are 12 disciples, not 10
4.We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T"
5.The recommended grace before meals is not "Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub. Yeah God!"
6.We do not refer to Our Savior, Jesus and His disciples as "J.C. and the Boys"
7.David slew Goliath; he did not "kick the sh** out of him."
8.The Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost are never referred to as "Big Daddy, Junior, and the Spook." 9.It is always the Virgin Mary, never "Mary with the Cherry."
10.Last, but not least, next Wednesday there will be a Taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter-pulling contest at St.Taffy's.
The next Sunday the new priest put the suggestion into practice and was able to talk up a storm. He felt great! However, upon returning to the rectory, he found a note from the Monsignor:
Dear Father,
1.Next time sip rather than gulp.
2.There are 10 commandments, not 12
3.There are 12 disciples, not 10
4.We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T"
5.The recommended grace before meals is not "Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub. Yeah God!"
6.We do not refer to Our Savior, Jesus and His disciples as "J.C. and the Boys"
7.David slew Goliath; he did not "kick the sh** out of him."
8.The Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost are never referred to as "Big Daddy, Junior, and the Spook." 9.It is always the Virgin Mary, never "Mary with the Cherry."
10.Last, but not least, next Wednesday there will be a Taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter-pulling contest at St.Taffy's.
Dec 2, 2009
On fire
During a recent ecumenical gathering, a secretary rushed in shouting, "The building is on fire!"
The Methodists gathered in the corner and prayed.
The Baptists cried, "Where is the water?"
The Quakers quietly praised God for the blessings that fire brings.
The Lutherans posted a notice on the door declaring the fire was evil.
The Roman Catholics passed the plate to cover the damage.
The Jews posted symbols on the door hoping the fire would pass.
The Congregationalists shouted, "Every man for himself!"
The Fundamentalists proclaimed, "It's the vengeance of God!"
The Episcopalians formed a procession and marched out.
The Christian Scientists concluded that there was no fire.
The Presbyterians appointed a chairperson who was to appoint a committee to look into the matter and submit a wirtten report.
The secretary grabbed the fire extingusher and put the fire out.
The Methodists gathered in the corner and prayed.
The Baptists cried, "Where is the water?"
The Quakers quietly praised God for the blessings that fire brings.
The Lutherans posted a notice on the door declaring the fire was evil.
The Roman Catholics passed the plate to cover the damage.
The Jews posted symbols on the door hoping the fire would pass.
The Congregationalists shouted, "Every man for himself!"
The Fundamentalists proclaimed, "It's the vengeance of God!"
The Episcopalians formed a procession and marched out.
The Christian Scientists concluded that there was no fire.
The Presbyterians appointed a chairperson who was to appoint a committee to look into the matter and submit a wirtten report.
The secretary grabbed the fire extingusher and put the fire out.
Nov 26, 2009
Thanksgiving Humor
If April showers bring May flowers what do May flowers bring?
Pilgrims!
Asked to write a composition entitled, "What I'm thankful for on Thanksgiving,"
little Timothy wrote, "I am thankful that I'm not a turkey."
If a man wants to eat a turkey on Thanksgiving, what does a turkey want?
Ans- It simply wants to run away.
What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day?
Ans- God save the kin.
What did the turkey say to the man who tried to shoot it?
Ans- Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all.
Pilgrims!
Asked to write a composition entitled, "What I'm thankful for on Thanksgiving,"
little Timothy wrote, "I am thankful that I'm not a turkey."
If a man wants to eat a turkey on Thanksgiving, what does a turkey want?
Ans- It simply wants to run away.
What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day?
Ans- God save the kin.
What did the turkey say to the man who tried to shoot it?
Ans- Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all.
Nov 17, 2009
LET THERE BE PEACE
A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment...then a new school year began. The very next afternoon, three young boys -- full of youthful after-school enthusiasm -- came down his street, beating merrily on every trashcan they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day until, finally, the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.
The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. Used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing." The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.
After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. "This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans." The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus.
A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street. "Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"
"A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, Mister. We quit!"
And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.
The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. Used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing." The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.
After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. "This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans." The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus.
A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street. "Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"
"A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, Mister. We quit!"
And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.
Nov 13, 2009
The Ring Bear
A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd alternating between the bride's side and the groom's side. While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws
and roar...so it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR, all the way down the aisle.
As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit. The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit.
When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said,
"I was being the Ring Bear!"
and roar...so it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR, all the way down the aisle.
As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit. The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit.
When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said,
"I was being the Ring Bear!"
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)