The Lord's Prayer

Our Father Who Art In Heaven.  Yes?
Don't interrupt me. I'm praying.
But -- you called ME!
Called you?
No, I didn't call you.I'm praying.
Our Father who art in Heaven.
There -- you did it again!
Did what?
Called ME.
You said,"Our Father who art in Heaven"
Well, here I am..
What's on your mind?
But I didn't mean anything by it..
I was, you know, just saying my prayers for the day.
I always say the Lord's Prayer.
It makes me feel good, kind of like fulfilling a duty.
Well, all right. Go on.

Okay, Hallowed be thy name .
Hold it right there.
What do you mean by that?
By what?
By "Hallowed be thy name"?
It means, it means . . good grief,
I don't know what it means.
How in the world should I know?
It's just a part of the prayer.
By the way, what does it mean?
It means honored, holy, wonderful.
Hey, that makes sense..
I never thought about what 'hallowed' meant before.
Thanks.
Thy Kingdom come, Thy will be done, on earth as it is in Heaven.
Do you really mean that?
Sure, why not?
What are you doing about it?
Doing? Why, nothing, I guess.

I just think it would be kind of neat if you got control, of everything down here like you have up

there. We're kinda in a mess down here you know.
Yes, I know; but, have I got control of you?
Well, I go to church.
That isn't what I asked you.
What about your bad temper? You've really got a problem there, you know.
And then there's the way you spend your money -- all on yourself.
And what about the kind of books you read ?
Now hold on just a minute!
Stop picking on me!
I'm just as good as some of the rest of those People at church!
Excuse ME..
I thought you were praying for my will to be done.
If that is to happen, it will have to start with the ones who are praying for it.
Like you -- for example ..
Oh, all right. I guess I do have some hang-ups.
Now that you mention it, I could probably name some others.
So could I.
I haven't thought about it very much until now, but I really would like to cut out some of those things.
I would like to, you know, be really free.
Good. Now we're getting somewhere.

We'll work together -- You and ME.
I'm proud of You.
Look, God, if you don't mind, I need to finish up here.
This is taking a lot longer than it usually does.

Give us this day, our daily bread..
You need to cut out the bread.. You're overweight as it is.
Hey, wait a minute! What is this?
Here I was doing my religious duty, and all of a sudden you break in and remind me of all my hang-ups.
Praying is a dangerous thing. You just might get what you ask for.
Remember, you called ME -- and here I am. It's too late to stop now.
Keep praying. ( pause .. . )
Well, go on.
I'm scared to.
Scared? Of what?
I know what you'll say.
Try ME.

Forgive us our sins, as we forgive those who sin against us.
What about Daisy?
See? I knew it!
I knew you would bring her up!
Why, Lord, she's told lies about me, spread stories. She never paid back the money she owes me.
I've sworn to get even with her!
But -- your prayer --
What about your prayer?
I didn't -- mean it..
Well, at least you're honest.
But, it's quite a load carrying around all that bitterness and resentment isn't it?
Yes, but I'll feel better as soon as I get even with her. Boy, have I got some plans for her. She'll wish she had never been born.
No, you won't feel any better.
You'll feel worse.
Revenge isn't sweet.
You know how unhappy you are --
Well, I can change that.
You can? How?
Forgive Daisy.
Then, I'll forgive you;
And the hate and the sin, will be her problem -- not yours. You will have settled the problem
as far as you are concerned.
Oh, you know, you're right.
You always are.
And more than I want revenge,
I want to be right with You . . (sigh)..
All right, all right . .
I forgive her.
There now!
Wonderful!
How do you feel?
Hmmmm. Well, not bad.
Not bad at all!
In fact, I feel pretty great!
You know, I don't think I'll go to bed uptight tonight.
I haven't been getting much rest, you know.
Yeah, I know.
But, you're not through with your prayer, are you?

Go on.
Oh, all right.
And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.
Good! Good! I'll do that.
Just don't put yourself in a place where you can be tempted.
What do you mean by that?
You know what I mean.
Yeah. I know.
Okay.
Go ahead. Finish your prayer.
For Thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory forever.
Amen.
Do you know what would bring me glory -- What would really make me happy?
No, but I'd like to know..
I want to please you now.
I've really made a mess of things. I want to truly follow you..
I can see now how great that would be.
So, tell me . . .
How do I make you happy?
YOU just did.

Painting the Church

Two men were down on their luck and decided to paint houses to earn some extra money. To start their business they asked the priest of the local church if he would be interested in their service.
He agreed and the men went out to buy the paint. As they drove to the paint store they decided that they would mix half paint and half water to try to increase their profits.
When they finished the job they called the priest outside to look at their work. "It looks wonderful," said the priest. As he started to hand them the check a small rain cloud appeared. All at once there was lightning and thunder and the area around the church was drenched with rain. As the rain hit the ward building, the paint started running. Suddenly, as the three of them stood there in disbelief, a voice from heaven said ... "Repaint and thin no more."

Johnny plays Church

Johnny's Mother looked out the window and noticed Him "playing church"with their cat.
He had the cat sitting quietly and he was preaching to it. She smiled and went about her work.

A while later she heard loud meowing and hissing and ran back to the open window to see Johnny baptizing the cat in a tub of water.

She called out, "Johnny, stop that! The cat is afraid of water!"

Johnny looked up at her and said, "He should have thought about that before he joined
my church."

Old Man and His Dog Mace

An old man lived with his hound-dog, Mace, in a run-down shack on the outskirts of town. He had no family and only a few meager possessions: a table and chair, a bed, a bag of hand tools, and his dog. He used the tools to do odd jobs in town, for which he usually would be paid enough to get food for the next day. Mace and his master lived from one day to the next on what little these jobs would bring in. The dog was just a normal hound, with one exception: while most dogs like to chew on grass occasionally, Mace loved it. When the old man was in town, Mace would spend the day in the yard in front of the house, chewing away on the lawn.

One bright, sunny day the old man said goodbye to his dog and headed into town to work. He had a plumbing repair job in one of the homes there that would take him most of the day and would probably pay enough for food for the remainder of the week, if he managed the money carefully. He headed for town with a spring in his step and a whistle on his lips. Inside the house and ready to start, the old man reached in the bag for his wrench. To his surprise, he didn't feel it. He dug around again, but there didn't seem to be any wrench. He looked in the bag, then dumped its contents on the floor, but still no wrench. Reality set in. Without a wrench he couldn't finish the job, and without the pay he couldn't even buy food for that night's supper, let alone for tomorrow. When he finally came to grips with reality, he told the lady who hired him what the situation was. While she sympathized with his situation, the job needed to be done. If the old man couldn't do it, she would have to hire someone else.

The old man packed up his tools and headed home, head bowed and shoulders stooped. The whistle was gone and no longer was there a spring in his step. A walk that normally took 15 minutes seemed to last forever. But finally the old shack came into view, and there was Mace in the distance, munching away as usual on the lawn. When the dog saw his master, he came running, tail wagging, telling the old man how glad he was to see him. Kneeling beside the hound, the man began to pet him, and through tear-filled eyes told the dog that there would be no supper tonight and no food for tomorrow. What's more, without money to buy a new wrench, he had no idea what the future held.

It was the loneliest, most helpless feeling he ever had! Then he caught a glimpse of something shining in the grass. As the old man went over to see what this piece of shining material was, his despair turned in an instant to joy! It was the wrench! The old man had dropped it on his way out that morning, and it would have been lost forever had Mace not been eating farther away from the house than he usually did! The old man grabbed the dog, gave him a hug that almost suffocated him, and ran into the house. Reaching for a stub of pencil and the only piece of paper he had, he wrote a moving tribute to his canine companion. Few people have ever heard these words...until now, that is. One man who did happen to read them changed them a bit and has his name recorded in music history.

The old man never did get the credit he deserved. But now you are privileged to read the beginning line of his original poem, which went:

"A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound that saved a wrench for me."

Painting the Church

Two men were down on their luck and decided to paint houses to earn some extra money. To start their business they asked the priest of the local church if he would be interested in their service.

He agreed and the men went out to buy the paint. As they drove to the paint store they decided that they would mix half paint and half water to try to increase their profits.

When they finished the job they called the priest outside to look at their work. "It looks wonderful," said the priest. As he started to hand them the check a small rain cloud appeared. All at once there was lightning and thunder and the area around the church was drenched with rain. As the rain hit the ward building, the paint started running. Suddenly, as the three of them stood there in disbelief, a voice from heaven said ...

"Repaint and thin no more."

NUNS DRIVING

A police officer was sitting beside the road when he saw a car going by at a slow rate of speed. All of the other cars were passing and blowing the horns. The police officer desided to pull the car over and give them a warning. When he got up to the car car he followed it for a short ways and clocked it doing 40 mph.

Since the speed limit was 70 he felt that they needed to speed up so he pulled them over to talk to them. After they pulled of the side and he was walking up to the car he noticed the car had 5 nuns in it and the youngest appeared to be driving and she looked to be in her 70's. As he came up to thr car he asked if there was anything wrong.

NUN: No officer why?
OFFICER: I noticed you were going slow and I thought that something might be wrong.
NUN: Young man I know that I don't have much experence driving in the job I do but I was doing the speed limit, 40 mph.
OFFICER: Mam that was the route number not the speed limit.
NUN: Oh I am very sorry I thought that those signs were the speed limit signs.

The officer looked in the car and noticed the other 4 nun's were shaking like leaves. The officer asked if the other nun's were ok. The driver said that they would be that she had just come off of route 119 a couple of miles back.

Confessional

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand." The new priest tries this. The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, "I see, yes, go on, and I understand. How did you feel about that?'"

The new priest says those things, trying them out. The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying 'Oh Boy! What happened next?'

Priest: Now we run!

A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.

After watching the boys efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring.

Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?" To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"

Noah's Wife

A preacher, ending his sermon, announced that he would preach on Noah and his Ark on the following Sunday and gave the scriptural reference for the congregation to read ahead of time.

A couple of mean boys noticed something interesting about the placement of the story of the Flood in the Bible. They slipped into the church and glued two pages of the pulpit Bible together.

On the next Sunday, the preacher got up to read his text. "Noah took unto himself a wife," he began, "and she was" - he turned the page to continue - "three hundred cubits long, fifty wide and thirty high."

He paused, scratched his head, turned the page back and read it silently, turned the page.

Then he looked up at his congregation and said, "I've been reading this old Bible for nigh on to fifty years, but there are some things in it that are hard to believe."

The New Minister

The new minister was so nervous at his first mass, he could hardly speak. Before his second appearance in the pulpit, he asked the Monsignor how he could relax. The Monsignor said, "Next Sunday, it may help if you put a little vodka in the water pitcher. After a few sips, everything should go smoothly."

The next Sunday the new priest put the suggestion into practice and was able to talk up a storm. He felt great! However, upon returning to the rectory, he found a note from the Monsignor:

Dear Father,
1.Next time sip rather than gulp.
2.There are 10 commandments, not 12
3.There are 12 disciples, not 10
4.We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T"
5.The recommended grace before meals is not "Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub. Yeah God!"
6.We do not refer to Our Savior, Jesus and His disciples as "J.C. and the Boys"
7.David slew Goliath; he did not "kick the sh** out of him."
8.The Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost are never referred to as "Big Daddy, Junior, and the Spook." 9.It is always the Virgin Mary, never "Mary with the Cherry."
10.Last, but not least, next Wednesday there will be a Taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter-pulling contest at St.Taffy's.